The People Pleaser’s Guide to Saying No and Setting Boundaries
Do you find that you are often prioritizing pleasing others over your own personal needs and happiness? Well, this might mean you are a people pleaser!
People pleasing is very common, however, overtime can lead to things like burnout, a lack of boundaries, and more! Sometimes it can be hard to know if this applies to you, so, in this post, we provide a breakdown of signs, causes, whys, and how to move away from some of these habits!
Am I a People Pleaser? The Signs:
A lot of different things can indicate that you might be a people pleaser. Here are a few common ones:
Trouble saying no in multiple situations
Feeling guilt
Fear of rejection
Overcommitting yourself/booking too many things
Not making time for self-care
Seeking validations from others
You say sorry a lot
Often “agree” even if you don’t agree
You find your relationships don’t feel reciprocal
Silent resentment often builds in your relationships
What Might Cause People Pleasing?
There could be multiple reasons behind why you are a people pleaser. Some reasons could include:
Low self-esteem and self-confidence
Perfectionism
Previous experiences of trauma and/or neglect
High levels of insecurity
Fear of conflict
Experience of bullying
Why Should I Break my People Pleasing Habits?
People pleasing, over time, can have some negative effects on your mental health. This looks different for everyone, however, here are some examples:
Neglecting oneself: one might start to neglect taking care of both mental and physical health.
Developing resentment: over time, you can become resentful at others, which can lead to the feeling of being taken advantage of or unappreciation.
Stress and Burnout: the need to please others can increase your stress levels, thus affecting your personal health. This can also cause exhaustion and burnout.
Lack of self-expression: when we put others first, this can sometimes lead to losing touch with ourselves. This could include losing touch with our values and interests.
Poor boundaries: people-pleasing habits often make it more challenging to set and maintain boundaries. This applies to both personal boundaries and boundaries in relationships with others.
How to Break the Cycle of People Pleasing?
Watch for Patterns: if you're always nodding along, scared of upsetting anyone, or putting everyone else's needs before yours, you might be stuck in people-pleaser mode. Being aware of patterns helps you implement change.
Be Honest with Yourself and Reflect: take some time to connect with yourself and reflect to become more aware of how you respond in these situations.
Master Saying No: practice saying no! Recognize you do not need to explain and saying no should be respected.
Let Go of Perfection: remind yourself that sacrificing your authenticity for acceptance is not worth it! No one is “perfect”, and imperfections are part of what makes you, you!
Start Small: whether it's sharing your thoughts in a conversation or letting your preferences be known, starting is the first step. The more you practice this, the more comfortable you will be!
Set Boundaries: it’s okay to set boundaries for yourself. Acknowledge your needs and limits and be sure to communicate those when necessary.
Choose Who to Surround Yourself With: surround yourself with people who accept you for you, and really value what you have to say. It is important to be honest with your loved ones and communicate how you are feeling.
Validate Yourself and Acknowledge Your Wins: celebrate each time you step up and use your voice. Give yourself validation and acknowledge the steps along the way.
Spread the Liberation: by using your voice, you show others that you are a safe person to be open and honest with. You never know, you might even inspire others to do the same!
Therapy as a Tool
You might wonder, how can therapy help? There are many different techniques a therapist can use to help you develop better self-awareness, set personal boundaries, and learn to assert yourself more effectively. A therapist can act like a guide while you learn to break habits. For example, both Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) are commonly used modalities.
If you want to learn more about CBT and DBT, check out TCC’s recent blog post on these two modalities, here.
If you want to seek therapy support in Canada, The Cognitive Corner therapists are here to help you navigate your journey. Book a free 15-minute consultation with one of TCC’s practitioners today!
Conclusion:
Breaking free from people-pleasing can be tough, however, it is worth it and will benefit you in the long run! There are many different tools and resources that can help support you in changing your people-pleasing habits!
Remember, this won’t be an overnight change, however, utilizing some of the above tips will hopefully help you on your journey to navigating your people pleasing habits, and help you in developing boundaries, prioritizing your health, and building better self-awareness!
Resources
Calm Blog. (2024, February 8). Learn how to stop being a people pleaser with these 10 tips. Calm Blog. https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser
Kim, J. (2023, July 18). Break free from people-pleasing. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-angry-therapist/202307/break-free-from-people-pleasing
Cherry, K. (2024, May 20). 8 ways to stop being a people-pleaser. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412
Maull, A. (2023, August 8). The Everything Guide to stopping your people pleaser behaviors. The Therapy Gal. https://thetherapygal.com/the-everything-guide-to-stopping-your-people-pleasing-behaviors/
(n.d.). Counseling center: People pleasing - JMU. JMU. https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/people-pleasing.shtml
