How ADHD Affects Relationships and What You Can Do About It
Understanding ADHD in Relationships
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, more commonly known as ADHD, often causes individuals to have symptoms like disorganization, impulsivity, and frustration. These symptoms can impact areas like communication or intimacy, which can create challenges in relationships. It is important to understand the impacts ADHD can have, so that individuals and couples can learn strategies to help support themselves and create strong connections.
The Basics: Common Symptoms and Signs of ADHD
While this varies for everyone, common symptoms and signs of ADHD to look for can include:
Impulsivity
Forgetfulness
Trouble focusing on and completing tasks
Fidgeting
Sensitivity
Easily distracted or daydreaming
Frequent frustration
Difficulty following instructions
Common Challenges Couples Face When a Partner has ADHD
While challenges faced looks different for each person and couples, here are some common one's couples may face:
Attention: Those with ADHD sometimes lose focus or have a hard time paying attention in conversation, which can make a partner feel ignored.
Forgetfulness: Individuals with ADHD can be forgetful, and this can cause things like anniversaries, dates, or birthdays to be missed.
Organization: ADHD can make it difficult for individuals to finish tasks, which can lead partners to feel like they are taking on more responsibilities.
Impulsiveness: A common trait with ADHD is impulsivity, and this can cause big life decisions to be made prior to discussing it with a partner.
Emotional: ADHD can cause individuals to have outbursts, which can lead to unproductive conversations or false blame.
Understanding Your Partner’s ADHD
It is very important to understand how ADHD can affect different aspects of a relationship. Here are some notes and tips to better understanding ADHD’s role:
Taking the time to research: developing a strong understanding of what signs and symptoms of ADHD look like can help you watch for those in a partner. From here, you can then alter the role each partner plays in the relationship to fit your lifestyle.
Open discussions: openly communicating with one another can help navigate challenges, implement changes, and ensure both partners perspectives are acknowledged.
Empathy and patience: ensuring you are both empathetic and patient with your partner can help reduce negative outcomes and promote healthy behaviours.
Actively listen: having conversations with your partner where you let them describe how they feel and ensuring that both parties feel understood and heard can contribute to the health of the relationship.
Communication Strategies for ADHD Couples
Some common strategies for effective communication for ADHD include:
Acceptance: it is important to accept the present differences in a relationship as this creates the foundation for better communication.
Avoid Taking it Personally: recognizing the differences, and then reminding yourself of this information can help you not take it so personally, which helps prevent emotions from escalating.
Watch for Signs: pay attention to signs and triggers to help learn and navigate how to best communicate in future situations.
Trial and Error: play around with different strategies and routines to see what works best for both you and your partner.
Use Tools: utilize things like reminders or alarms to help you or your partner remember important dates, tasks, etc.
Coping Strategies for ADHD in Relationships
There are many strategies, however, here are some recommendations of what may help:
Routines: developing a consistent routine can help in creating structure. This can look like setting mealtimes, date nights, and rituals.
Reduce Clutter: try to keep your space clean and organized. This can help reduce frustration and stress levels.
Scheduling: schedule certain times each week to sit down and discuss how things are going or complete tasks. If you have consistency each week, this can reduce forgetfulness.
Reminders & Alarms: having reminders and alarms can be useful to ensure things or tasks don’t get forgotten. This can look like phone reminders, to-do lists, or morning alarms.
Divide Tasks: cater and divide tasks based on common ADHD symptoms. For example, have the non-ADHD partner do tasks like billing, while the ADHD partner does grocery shopping.
Self-Care: make time for self-care. Ensuring each partner has time to relax and do the things they enjoy can help reduce irritability or emotional outbursts.
Therapy: sometimes it can be hard to navigate this, and therapy can be a great next step to developing strategies and receiving support. This could be individual or couples therapy depending on you and your partner.
At TCC, our therapists Alysha and Sydney both specialize in ADHD. You can book a free consultation with them on the website.
Intimacy and Emotional Impacts for Those with ADHD
ADHD can influence many different areas of intimacy, including:
Physical intimacy: physical connection like holding hands, sharing space and sexual intimacy.
Cognitive intimacy: sharing how we view and think about things such as our values and expectations.
Experiential intimacy: shared experiences with partners.
Emotional intimacy: sense of emotional security and understanding how we feel.
To create intimacy, partners need to feel emotionally connected, respected by one another, and understood. Sometimes, when ADHD is present, these can be difficult to maintain. Folks with ADHD can struggle to be “in the moment” and this can cause sensitivity, impulsivity, or trouble focusing. This is why self-regulation is important.
The goal is to create safe and shared intimacy. This involves 6 main components:
Sense of trust
Willingness to explore with your partner
Awareness
Acceptance of your differences
Communication between partners
Creating behaviours
Working together, openly communicating, and keeping an open mind all contribute to improving intimacy and ensuring both partners feel understood. This can take time and some trial and error, however, will be worth it in the long run.
Conclusion
ADHD can create obstacles for individuals in relationships. While ADHD looks different for everyone, there are common things to look for. Understanding the symptoms and signs, communication, and implementing some of the above strategies can help support you and your partner in finding what works best for your relationship!
If you want to explore how therapy can support ADHD, and you are in Canada, book a free 15-minute consultation with one of TCC’s practitioners today!
Resources:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, May 15). Symptoms of ADHD. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/signs-symptoms/index.html
Psychology Today Staff. (n.d.). ADHD and relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/adhd/adhd-and-relationships
Smith, M. (2024, August 28). Adult ADHD and relationships. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/adhd/adult-adhd-and-relationships
Admin. (2022, December 15). 5 tips for effective communication with your ADHD partner. Inner Compass Counseling & Coaching. https://innercompasscounseling.com/5-tips-for-effective-communication-with-your-adhd-partner/
Hassall, J., & Barrett, K. (2020, June). ADHD in relationships: Finding intimacy when the world feels very different. CHADD. https://chadd.org/attention-article/adhd-in-relationships-finding-intimacy-when-the-world-feels-very-different/
