Gottman’s 4 Behaviours You Want to Avoid in Your Relationships

Have you ever wondered why your relationships ended rather than thrived? This could have a lot to do with conflict and negative communication strategies. Dr. John Gottman, a long-time researcher of relationships has narrowed this down to 4 key behaviours, also known as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These 4 Horsemen, if they come up frequently, are seen to be key predictors of relationship failure. This method helps you recognize what to avoid and how you can utilize healthier and more productive communication strategies.

The 4 Horsemen are as follows:  

• Criticism  

• Contempt  

• Defensiveness  

• Stonewalling  

 Deep Dive Into The 4 Horsemen:   

What is Criticism? Criticism is the 1st one and refers to criticizing your partner and attacking their overall character. This can lead to more conflict and to personal insecurity. An example of criticism would be the following statement: “What is wrong with you”	What is Contempt? Contempt is the 2nd one and centers around being mean towards your partner. This can be presented through sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, and gestures such as eye-rolling. Contempt is labeled as the most harmful Horsemen.
What is Defensiveness? Defensiveness is the 3rd one and is often the response towards criticism. This shifts communication from “We” to “Me versus You”. This can also lead to reverse blame, meaning your partner places the blame on you instead of taking personal responsibility.	What is Stonewalling? Stonewalling is the 4th and final one and refers to withdrawing from all forms of communication. This is often the response to contempt and leads to “shutting down.”

So How Can We Avoid This? The Antidotes:  

The Horseman	The Antidote
Criticism	Talk about how you are feeling using “I” statements and focus on positive needs. Example: I would like to have some too, can we share this?
Contempt	Build a culture of appreciation with one another and treat each other with respect. Example: Thank you for taking the time and trying.
Defensiveness	Listen to your partner’s perspectives, take responsibility, and apologize where needed. Example: I could’ve let you know about this sooner.
Stonewalling	Take a break from the topic, about 20 minutes, and then return to the conversation. Example: Go for a short walk or play a game.

Want to learn more? Head over to TCC’s Instagram page where Alysha, one of our therapists shares more on this topic!  

We recognize how important these signs are and if you are struggling to build healthy relationships, it is a good idea to discuss this with a therapist. Here at TCC, we have two therapists who specialize in relationships, Alysha and Getrude. If you would like to connect with either of them, click here to book a free 15-minute consultation or a session! 

Resources:

Lisitsa, E. (2024, January 23). The Gottman Method - Four Horsemen. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/